Did Marriage Hold You Back From the Life You Really Wanted?

Written by: Ravit Rose 🌹 Everything Divorce

Did Marriage Hold You Back From the Life You Wanted?

As a woman, did your marriage hold you back? Back from the life you really wanted? Back from the woman you wanted to be?

These aren’t easy questions to ask yourself. Or answer. But sometimes we need to ask ourselves the tough questions to move forward. Especially after something as life changing as divorce. So, let’s talk about this, let’s talk about how marriage has held back so many women. Then at the end, I will give you some journaling prompts to help you answer this question for yourself.

In my experience, a lot of women answer yes to these questions. And not just a simple yes, but an emphatic yes.

If you are still in the middle of wrestling with these hard questions, working through the process of deciding whether to stay married or leave can bring much-needed clarity before taking the next step.

Why Women Sacrifice Careers and Ambition in Marriage

Women tell me their marriage held them back in so many ways. Such as:

They gave up their careers to have and raise children.
They took a step back from their careers as they were the default parent responsible for everything related to their children and that meant not being able to do both.
They didn’t get promotions because they had no capacity for more responsibility at work, their energy was being consumed at home.
They gave up hobbies because they no longer had time.
Their friendships changed because they didn’t have the time or energy to maintain them.
They slowly lost parts of themselves to keep the peace. To keep everyone else happy.

This invisible load of managing appointments, school schedules, and emotional caretaking is exhausting. Over time, carrying the mental load alone leaves little room for a woman's own dreams or rest.

And the hard part is, they felt like they didn’t have a choice. They felt like this was just how it was for them. It was how to be a good wife, a good mother, a good woman. But all that actually happened is she started to resent herself on the inside.

How did she become this woman? When did she become this woman? The woman who put everyone else first. The woman who sacrificed what she wanted for her marriage and family.

Beyond career setbacks, many women also discover that relying on shared guidance during a split puts their financial future at risk, find out more in the article, How using your ex’s financial advisor can leave you financially vulnerable during settlement negotiations

Signs Your Marriage Was Holding You Back

This is where the conversation shifts to you, the woman reading this. The woman who’s now divorced and trying to understand everything you are feeling.

As you read that list of how marriage holds women back, what did you feel? Did you see yourself in any of those things? If yes, did you feel like they were a choice you made, or did you feel like you kind of had to do those things? Start sitting with these questions and see what comes up for you.

Real Stories: Realizing Your Marriage Cost You Your Identity

You aren’t alone in realizing how your marriage held you back.

I recently coached a woman in Alberta who didn’t see her divorce coming. When we first spoke, she was devastated, she didn’t want a divorce. She didn’t see how her marriage had been hurting her. In fact, she thought her marriage was great.

Over the months of us working together, she started to see how the life she was living in her marriage was never the life she wanted.

She had career goals she didn’t get to pursue.

She had lost friends.

She no longer had hobbies, or anything for herself.

She started to see everything she gave up, and that it got her nowhere. This was her biggest lesson, how much she gave up to now be starting over. As time went on, things started to shift. Her grief started to give way. She started to see divorce as an opportunity. And that is when everything started to change for her.

Suddenly she was connecting with friends again. She was back to doing things she loved. She went back to the career she left because she could, there was no one telling her she couldn’t. Or that it wasn’t good for the family.

She got her energy and zest for life back. And the best part? She checked back in a year later to share all the amazing things that had happened in her life since we stopped working together. She was so happy and free.

Processing Unforeseen Grief and Anger After Initiating a Divorce

Another woman I coached in Canada came to me confused on why she was feeling the way she was. She had chosen the divorce and thought it would be easy. She originally felt great. She was relieved and felt lighter the moment she moved out and the divorce was finalized.

But then those feelings shifted, and she found herself sad, angry even. She found herself facing all the parts of herself she lost and gave up. She realized how many sacrifices she made for her marriage and how they had hurt her.

This was hard to face and is why she felt so angry. Mostly angry with herself for making those choices, even though they felt right at the time. Feeling grief, anger, or even self-blame is a normal part of the divorce recovery process. Acknowledging these emotions without judgment is the first step toward self-forgiveness.

So that is where we focused our time together, on her anger towards herself. We used guided visualizations and exercises to go back to the past versions of herself, the version who made those choices. She talked to her. She listened to her. Then, she forgave her. She told her she knows she did the best she could with what she knew at the time.

This allowed the anger to soften. It allowed her to let go of her anger and everything that was underneath it. And that is when she started to get her energy back. That is when she made the promise to never abandon herself again. That she mattered. That is when she discovered her core values and how to set and hold boundaries to create, and protect, the life SHE wanted.

That is when her life became hers again.

When children are involved, processing these emotional shifts becomes even more overwhelming, and this article will give you strategies for Staying strong during high-stress custody evaluations an essential part of protecting your peace.

Journal Prompts to Moving Into The Life You Want After Divorce

Your story may be similar to these women’s stories, or it could be completely different, and that’s okay. That part doesn’t matter. What matters is recognizing how your marriage held you back and deciding what you want the next chapter of your life to look like.

Now it’s time to go back to the questions you asked yourself earlier and go a bit deeper. Here are some questions for you to journal on:

What did you give up in your marriage? List everything. Nothing is too small.
What parts of yourself did you lose? Be specific, for example a lot of women lose their voice, they learn to stay quiet to keep the peace.
What makes you the angriest about the things you gave up or the parts of you that you lost?

This is where you need to get brave and be honest with yourself. Let whatever needs to come up, come up. Write it down without judgement. Let it all come out through the pen. If you need to cry, cry.

When you’re done, set it aside. Don’t read it. Not yet. Get up and move your body, go for a walk, stretch, dance, anything to get the energy flowing.

Then, when you’re ready, read it. Read it a couple of times. Journal on what comes up when you read it for the first time. And a second time. Do this as many times as you need to.

Next Steps: 5 Phases of Healing and Rebuilding

Realizing your marriage held you back in anyway is not an easy thing to face. Be kind to yourself. Give yourself permission to be angry. Sad. Whatever you need to feel, feel it.

And know that you don’t have to do this part alone. I created 5 phases of healing for women after divorce. These five phases guide women through a deep healing process that starts with revealing their limiting beliefs, stories, and patterns, regulates the nervous system, discovers their core values, teaches them the art of boundaries, and helps them rise into their next chapter full of confidence and clarity.

At the end of the 5 phases there is no more second guessing yourself. No more saying yes when everything in you is screaming no. No more sacrificing parts of yourself for others. There is only you living a life that feels good to you.

Reach out to learn more about how I support and empower women after their divorce. If you are ready to start rebuilding, explore my coaching programs or sign up for my newsletter to receive guided exercises directly in your inbox. Connect with me, Nicole Laberge, Trauma informed Certified Root Cause Therapy Practitioner.